Tag Archives: confusion

Self Destruction: Lesser Confidence, Body Shaming

One of the best lines I have heard in these few days (from one of my friends)- “It has been four years for now that a thing has hampered my confidence in any slightest way.” This one sentence triggered me to think and rethink about the way I’m living, the purpose and the little things that destruct me.

It is such a rare thing for anyone to tell, in a world where people take criticisms to the heart, who live for the sake of satisfying others, who do things just to get good credits and who live trying hard to impress others. In such situations, it becomes so easy to pierce a person and kill their confidence.

Few busy days, few free ones. In both the cases, you just need few seconds to doubt yourself, your deeds, your worth; to kill something which was built working hard for years. That’s the worst you can ever do to yourself-  turning self destructive.

Body shaming is one of the things that I’ve come across. Unless and until you’re confident about each of your atom, you cannot expect others to respect you. If you are confident about yourself then it would not even matter if someone criticizes. It took me a lot of time to accept that it is okay to be skinny as I am and there’s nothing wrong in that.

Dears,

Those confused thoughts, misty questions, unpoised face. That’s not you. That’s just a mask. There’s more. Underneath the skin, beyond everyone’s bounds, into the veins, among the misfits, you’re more, more than anyone can measure. You’re the one who is fit for it. A beautiful, thrilling soul that many crave for. If you mask it, doubt it, isn’t it unfair? You’re the one. You are it.
Trust. Believe.
Faith?
Yes, faith!

Loads of love,
The Mirthful Moon

And then comes ‘over confidence’. There’s just a thin line between both and we should make sure that we don’t bloat with pride. 🙂

 

Have a confident day, beautiful soul!

 

 

 

under her dusty eyelashes

through the icky alley
she flees-
wild
tightening reins
the horse neighs in soreness

on its hoofs
as jangle of the heavy,
shiny chains disturb her
it can’t trot
more
halting is no option
for it will saddle up
burden, torture, hatred
piercing her feeble soul

fleeing is no good
too, i would say
for she will flounder in dry
rawness
striking out blithe hours
disparity as such is
fatal
to you too
because it is the person
same, indecisive—
sprinting fierce
away from the muffled shadows
created under
her dusty eyelashes

once spawned
to be bore
again i warn—
running is ruinous
standing lone under
yellow flickering bulbs
i see
she’s long gone

Suffering- In Silence

Water dripped from the rusted asbestos sheet. It was dripping down her cheeks merging with her tears of pain. The flickering yellow bulb helped her spot the muddy way on that rainy night. As the thunder struck again, she crouched more, she shivered. His friend was standing beside her. It was one of those days where she chose this open solace against her cozy, comfortable room and warm bed as if her dilemmatic situation would solve itself.

The face of her lover’s carcass kept flashing in her mind like the flickering bulb. Crying out loud helped for the first few weeks to fade out the past.  Consoling would help.

But, there was a problem.
Except for their shadows and his friend, no one knew— that they loved each other.
‘I shouldn’t have fooled myself by ignoring the love’ she thought. The rainy night was a witness of her utter grief. She recalled those days when the titles of the library books conveyed messages, not literally the exchange of conversations, just expressing their inner feels. Smiling until the cheeks ache, staring the stony church walls, walking along the shady streets near his house in anticipation of spotting him were just memories written on water now.
Silence of their love then proved costly — suffering has to be in silence now.

‘Except his appearance, you know nothing about him’, his friend yelled. She raised her head and amidst the continuous patter, she listened to him. Patiently.
‘You’ve created him in your head the way you want. You don’t know him.’


‘Go away’
, she blasted.

He bent down and held her hand and said, ‘Why don’t you love me? No one really knows that you loved him. So, forget him and move on. Have you ever realised how much I’ve loved you!’

She was in a tremendous shock. She couldn’t believe what she just heard. She got up flicking away his hand and wiped her tears deciding what to do.

She decided to walk away from this self-indulgent world.
She started her journey, to her abode— her love.

Letters That Never Spoke

The words she jotted on the paper contained fear. Letters were piled up in the nook of the room, even this would go there- she knew. The unfolded emotions of love muddled, torturing her conscience of being right to the world. The letters were given a voice but were never let to speak.

There is only one way- being right to herself or to the world.
‘What to do?’ she mumbled and dozed off.
Like everyday.

Excuse me, I’m from… ?

I’m at a place now where I’m not supposed to be.

Wait, this statement is a blunder according to me. But, people. They speak.

Because my 12th std. board exams are nearing, and I’m supposed to be reading Economics textbook or solve Accountancy. But not my fault! The spark in me, to write, glows brightly before exams. Huh. And, I just read William Faulkner’s quote, “If a story is in you, it has got to come out” Then how can I keep mum.

So, now I’m writing about my sad story. Like, how I stumble when I’m asked about my native or where I’m from.

Before few days, I gave my practical examination. And I had to interact with my external examiner.The first question she asked after reading my name was, “Oh, so you’re a South Indian?”

I felt to say, “I’m an Indian.” (Thank god I didn’t. I didn’t want to put my marks at stake!)But, I’m happy she didn’t ask my state.

Becauseeeee…..Wait, Read this conversation and you’ll understand why am I happy!

Friend: Hey, so where are you from?

Me: Mmm… I’m born in Kerala.

Friend: Oh, your mother tongue is Malayalam?

Me: No… No….. I’m a Tamilian and my mother tongue is Tamil.

Friend: How come Kerala, then?

Me: My maternal side is settled in Kerala even though we’re Tamilians.

Friend: So, you spent your childhood in Tamil Nadu?

Me: NO…. 7 years in Andhra Pradesh and almost 7 years in Maharashtra.

Friend: Oh my god. Leave all that. Finally, your native place is TN or KL?

Me: Pleasee… Change the topic. I’ll let you know once I’m sure about it.

See..? My condition. This has become the story of my life.

Just to clarify the fact..

-I watch a hell lot of Malayalam movies and Tamil movies.

But don’t ask me my favourite.

-I and my mom discuss about Oommen Chandy and O. Panneerselvam and worry about both the states’ development.

But don’t ask me the one I care for, the most.

-We celebrate Tamil festivals and the festivals of Kerala like Onam, Vishu.

But don’t ask me which is more fun.

-I support Kochi Tuskers, Kerala Blasters and Chennai Super Kings, Chennaian FC.

But please… Don’t ask me to support only one.

-I eat Ona Sadhya (Onam feast) and the Kalyana Chappadu (wedding feast of TN)

Don’t ask me to choose one.

I’m proud and love to be a Talayalee. (Tamilian+Malayalee)

Even if I can choose one, I won’t. All the states of India is beautiful in its own way.

It’s really hard to choose. So, here’s to all who ask about my place.

“I’m an Indian.”

(I know it sounds sappy and chauvinistic. Sigh.

But at least I can escape from a few, in the future. Phew.)